I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
