so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
