dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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