If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
