If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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