I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
