Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
