nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
