I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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