Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
