Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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