I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
