My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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