We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
