I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In other news, I just burned my penis
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
