watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
