God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
wrigley field is MILF paradise
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
