My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
