some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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