I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
