Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
