Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
