I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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