Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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