i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
