I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
