if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
