I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
