My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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