Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
