I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
