im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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