My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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