my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
