this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
