Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
