I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
