I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
