I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
