Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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