i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
