i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Barsexuality is the new black.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
