Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
