Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Randomize
