I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
