at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
