Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
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