I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
