What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I need to sanitize my soul.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
