We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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