i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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