So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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