I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
