Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
