I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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