I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
