Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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