Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
