Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
