wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
