you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
