i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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